I'll start with a confession : I never liked the show Seinfeld. Primary reason : I'm not a big fan of the "asshole solely to be an asshole" type character; just not my thing. The show did just fine without my support so I must be in the wrong here. But I do recall some of the simplest people I know loving the show and raving regularly about how "sarcastic" it was. But when they had me watch and rewatch scenes while they guffawed aggressively, I noticed it wasn't the (supposed) sarcasm they enjoyed; it was the randomness and borderline cruelty. "You just don't get sarcasm" they would lecture me; "You would love the show if you got it."
But shitting on old acquaintances (many of which, unsurprisingly, went on to be the absolute worst type of Facebook asshole) isn't really where I'm going with this. Nor is questioning whether Seinfeld was ever really funny in a sarcastic way.
The internet is massive, and social media is what most people seem to enjoy the most about it. Which, of course, requires direct interaction with others to be.. well.. social. And that's where shit can get tricky because a non-zero percentage of people out there seem to not get the "it" part of "social media."
And if you know what I mean when I reference "it" you probably get "it"; most people do. 95%+ of my 1:1 social media interactions are amazing (in no small part due to the fact I don't interact on any Meta platforms or Twitter.. yes Twitter.. eat a dXck Elon... ) these days. But there are still ~5% that fall into a few wonky categories : Usually people you have never interacted with whom -
- miss the entire damn point of what you were trying to say
- try to hijack your thread
- try to one up your post with something "wittier" or "deeper"
- chastise you while also somehow oddly agreeing with you
- are just chodes
Of note - There is a non-zero subset of random folk that have seemingly lost their damn marbles on the socials and I can't speak on how to handle them. But the "usual suspects?" Maybe I'm onto something...
You already knew there was a likelihood that 5% of those dopes would pop up and pop off. But character limits on most social media posts are (thankfully) a thing and, even if they weren't, there's no reason to chastise/bore 95% of your readers that act in completely good faith. So I present you with a simple concept/idea that could be incorporated relatively quickly and easily.
Behold : ADH - The Asshole Defense Hash
How does it work? Post a seemingly random series of 32 hexadecimal characters at the end of your post and preface them with "ADH-".
For instance, the message below would be a perfect message to use the ADH with :
This one here is a phat, juicy burger. You'll definitely get the cellar-dwelling Linux fanbois coming hard into your paint; they just can't help themselves. So you can expect at least one response like this :
"Tell your brother to stop being a pleb and just use Linux; it's safer and doesn't support the billionaire class"
Disclaimer : I am only referring to the worst part of Linux honks here. I run Linux on every machine I can (including this blog - Ubuntu running Apache) and am NOT shitting on the Linux OS.. at ALL.. but I will ALWAYS shit on people that virtue signal without understanding (or even caring about) the nuances of a situation before they show their whole ass. And this is where ADH can serve these buttmunches a proverbial shit souffle.
That seemingly random assortment of hex characters? That's an MD5 hash. I'll get into those weeds a bit below but the main objective is this : it allows you to post a premeditated follow up message that 100% calls them out even BEFORE they spew their vitriol.
If you are a hash nerd like me you get this but if not you may ask "How does this prove.. anything?!?"
This is where the fun, geeky part happens. And it's not a complicated concept :
Go play around on this URL :
If you type the phrase referenced above and below EXACTLY (upper/lower case.. returns and spaces matter.. check end spaces) in the input box :
My brother needs Windows software that doesn't work with WineHQ... he tried; it shit the bed. Also, it's none of your damn business if you can't answer the question and just stopped by play "Linux Bootlicker"
..you will receive this in the MD5 output result box (which, unsurprisingly, matches the "random 32 characters in the initial example above):
1048c4a538d0cde83c55dd57ea02b75b
And if you don't type that phrase EXACTLY, you will get something wildly different. Notice I had a typo near the end of my "follow up" message? Too bad - I need to be more careful next time I guess!
Try it yourself.. Change one character.. Even just adding a stray space screws the pooch.. Shit goes cray. And this, my friend, is 100% by design. But cool story - we can use that to our advantage when we use ADH.. because the hash we posted with our original message proves we knew exactly what kinda assholes were gonna litter our feed even before they dildoed around...
"I still don't get it" you may lament - well, yea.. the "how it works" details can get a bit mucky...
Hashing is some -ish high-level math bullshit that few people care about logistically, but a primary use is to "fingerprint" information (which, as a side-note, obfuscates the information as well). Files.. Messages.. Passwords.. It's a quick way to ensure two things match one another.
In this case : it's that an unhashed message we posted later matches a previously hashed version of the exact same message we posted previously.
MD5 is a less robust hash than SHA based hashes but is still wildly unique (your odds of winning the powerball 4 weeks in a row with only one set of numbers is greater than choosing 2 completely sensical yet unique phrases off the top of your head that share the same hash). Given that truth, coupled with the fact it is relatively short (32 keyboard characters long), it makes a lot of sense to use for our "post your own ADH" purposes.
So if you sell what this blog post is cooking and want to add your own ADH manually -
- Go to the link referenced above (there are many sites and programs that can create an MD5 hash; this is just the most convenient I found quickly online without scammy ads all over the place)
- Type a message you KNOW will apply to a future responding asshole (probably relatively short if you have to post the follow up; again - post character limits)
- Copy the MD5 hash it returns and include it at the bottom of your post with the ADH- preface
- When an asshole ultimately can't help themselves to asshole, post your ADH reveal similar to the way presented above
- If they call you on it because they "can't understand it", point them to this blog post
Even though this is a blog, I added an ADH to it as a "proof of concept." And, for the record, this article is the first I've posted with an ADH!
I would LOVE to see social media sites add a built in ADH option that doesn't take away from your character limit (300 for Bluesky, 500 for Mastodon). Maybe it keeps the worst of the social media asshole crowd from bothering to respond if you include it, afraid you pre-flexed on their weak ass... Yea - it's a long shot.. But stranger things...
And YES, I KNOW Mastodon is technically part of the Fediverse, and I KNOW Mastodon instances can set their own character limits.
And I did you a courtesy telling you that BEFORE you could pull out the mansplain card on me.. But had I not, the ADH below my article here would apply to the paragraph immediate above this one. 3 days after my last edit of this page eYap here will "reveal" this exaxt paragraph below.
See how this works?
ADH-013933f1ce878cba6a816288c6d64324
..is MD5 for...
And YES, I KNOW Mastodon is technically part of the Fediverse, and I KNOW Mastodon instances can set their own character limits.
Weaponization of Scrum? In MY department? It's more likely than you think...
This week, I did something I've never done while working a scheduled job: I decided to take the last 3 days of the week off on only 1 day's notice.
The reason : Complete burnout brought on by our company's implementation of Scrum.
Hard facts : Our standups suck. Our retros suck. Our reviews suck. Our refinements can be useful, but they are usually 75%+ wasted motion. And yes I'm ready to eat the metaphorical turd salad many true believers reading this would like to serve me.
"Scrum works if it is done right, so your company must not do it right!" or, to pull out a Malcolm in the Middle meme: "The future is now, old man!"
And I can't argue with those points because, honestly, I've never seen "Scrum" work "right". But spoiler alert - the majority of coders I respect and trust have had universally awful experiences with Scrum as well. Notice I didn't shit on Agile; more on that later - but I do have some thoughts on how corporate "weaponization" of Scrum got us to this point.
Enter : the internet, circa 1997. AOL had muscled its way into casual homes through a combination of aggressive mail-order advertising and reducing their prices notably. Shortly thereafter, seemingly bottomless venture capital and the false-prophet known as "banner ads" led to a meteoric rise in the NASDAQ. Any 17 year old with a lame-brained idea and a ridiculous company name (or an ability to buy a one word .com) was seemingly awarded a $30+ million round of funding.
Corporate America was pissed and began to think maybe, just maybe, they could get in on a piece of this hearty pie.
Almost simultaneously, Y2K finally became a hot button topic. I'd be remiss not to mention that Y2K was 100% a legit issue. Thankfully, it was accounted for so well by true high-level "nerds in the trenches" that plebs today casually dismiss the whole shebang as a big nothing-burger.
But every good, legitimate scare is coupled almost immediately with a grift. Fly-by-night contract firms played on the "planes falling out of the sky" and "elevators trapping people" angles to absolutely fleece frightened AF legacy entities. "Your coders didn't account for this.. It's their fault! But we have our own true top-notch experts, and we can fix it all!!!" they carnival barked in the faces of mid-to-upper-level managers with suspect (or, worse still, no) coding backgrounds who held the purse strings.
(FYI - old school coders had legit reasons for doing exactly what they did -
legacy storage costs and the belief their code would be obsolete decades later)
This allowed these skeevy contracting shysters to roll out a stampede of "coding cowboys" to help line their pockets with this "once in a lifetime" cash-grab. Sadly a lot of these implemented "cowboys" were all hat and no cattle; I personally remember helping a couple of these "contract experts" (neither of which had any useful coding experience) work through legacy COBOL code (which was hilarious and scary, because not only was I studying to be an actuary at the time but I have never actually formally coded in COBOL).
So yea - a large swath of corporate American suits not only felt like they had given too long a leash to their full time coders in hindsight, but they now also felt ripped off and also hoped to cash in on "the internet" all at the same time.
Finally - enter
The Agile Manifesto in 2001. In theory, it and its 12 principals were innocent enough and, on the surface, make a whole lot of sense.
But again - what's a good idea without a follow-up grift? Enter Scrum : "An Agile Framework"
Notice the original Agile Manifesto mentioned above is only 68 words long. Even the 12 principals take up barely one page.
And this here Scrum big-boi book, authored by two of the "Agile Manifesto" guys -
176 damn pages .. and not nearly the biggest Scrum book on Amazon. Scrum also morphed into having entire courses, certifications, and retreats based on itself..
Maybe this over-bloated, self-aggrandising "framework" CAN work for some companies but, hell, MLM works for a non-zero percentage of people. Either way, it's sorta starting to have a grifty odor to me at this point
But companies with ever-expanding coding departments absolutely.. ate.. this.. shit.. up! And while they coyly acted like they loved the "efficiency" and "teamwork" Scrum could theoretically add, what most middle-to-upper-level managers ultimately rubbed it out to in the shower was the "accountability" of it all. Standups requiring a team of (oftentimes competitive) coders willing to discuss and "lord over" what one another were doing on the daily while also being monitored by an outsider mole enforcing a sense of false urgency? Boards that can be monitored in real time to review and track everything from a team member making a pull request to taking a shit? Yes please!
Oh, again I know, I know... (Or at least I've been TOLD) all Scrums aren't like this. I personally know several Scrum masters that cringe when I tell them about how the company I work for "Scrums." Still
I've had a pretty high success rate landing+completing a multitude of full stack contract jobs over 20+ years without most of those companies forcing any form of Scrum down my throat. And if I had to retire now I may not do so in as well-to-do a manner as I'd prefer, but I'll be happy greeting your ass at Walmart for walk-around money before I go through this kindergarten-teacher level of oversight bullshit again.
And it's not just me..
or the people I know... Hell, not even all the authors of the original Agile Manifesto
are willing to drink the Scrum Kool-Aid.And this final postscript from this old-head :
Most joint's highest skilled employees (those that can architect large scale solutions) are now swimming in excess meetings which almost always neuter their overall value. Simply "working the board" and "enumerating velocity" often misses the point of high-level productivity. These types of employees get more done when they have time to not only "grind out code" (which obviously "sprint boards" love), but to also step back and evaluate how today's requirements need to evolve over time and architect accordingly. Real-world demands aren't always easy to throw a low fibonacci number at..
One could rightfully argue a lot of a company's best coders intuitively practice Agile in their approach anyway without having to rely on Scrum enforcement. And no, I'm not recommending employees be isolated and allowed to run amuck; that's a recipe for a different type of disaster.
Having your best coders attend well run refinements will almost always be net-positive. But all that "filler" meeting shit? Maybe apply some of that extra time to pair programming with newer or struggling devs (which would allow for a flexibility on scheduling and cadence that Scrum ceremony attendance doesn't).
And if your department has a "high-level" coder that can't level up co-workers with pair programming? Hot take: they are almost assuredly polluting daily Scrum standups they are currently forced to attend to an ever nastier degree. And, oh goodness.. A mid-level manager may have to actually step in and mid-level manage for their dough, instead of being a glorified figurehead or great coder for a company with no further avenues for promotion other than "getting into management"
..but, hey, that's a whole OTHER issue
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